Just in case you’re wondering…

I’m fine, just rather busy at the moment. The week before last I was in Mozambique looking at the situation 1 year since Cyclone Idai, and since then I’ve been hugely snowed under in activities and preparations related to COVID-19.

I do have a blog on how I’m dealing with the markets at the moment, but the short version is, I’m not concerned and doing what I’ve always been doing. Hopefully the longer version will come out soon.

Until then, wash your hands often, try not to touch your face, and enjoy some time at home 🙂

My 2019 spending, AKA how to blow a budget

When I was a young kid, my mom used to buy my brother and I those big party-sized bags of Chomps, obviously trying to turn us into big strong hippos as the advertising suggested. There was an unspoken agreement that we had to share equally, and usually when my brother went to get one, he’d ask me if I wanted one.

After a while, I got an idea. If I skipped a turn, the next time my brother went to get one, I could have two and feel really indulgent. After a while I’d skip two turns, then three so I could stuff my face with 4 chomps the next time my brother only got one.

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The top 9 things I learnt in 2019

Welcome to the 20s. If the last 20s were anything to go by we’ll be in for massive market gains followed by the biggest crash in history! Well either that or we’ll all start listening to Jazz and buying alcohol from the mafia. Anyway, let’s get straight into the top 9 things I learnt about money last year.


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5 numbers you should be tracking to achieve financial independence

Not everyone wants to be able to resign from their jobs. Some love working, while others don’t. But being financially independent isn’t necessarily about being able to tell your boss what they can put their TPS reports, it’s about being able to weather a financial storm.

For that, at the very least you need a rainy day fund for emergencies. But you might find that once you’ve been able to build a decent rainy day fund, that you’re even more motivated to save and invest more, and then one day you’ll have an investment account so big you’ve got to check it for swimming cartoon ducks. If you’d like that to be you one day then these should be the numbers you focus on:

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How to retire WELL as a couple on just R20 000 a month

R20 000 a month. That’s real money, double what we gave ourselves when we first started this fantasy game. And for the first time it’s actually enough to live in major South African cities. Using the calculations I run for these searches, both Durban and Port Elizabeth make the cut. So does Lagos in Nigeria, oh dear.

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I’m bored with investing

My blog is ready for primary school. By that I don’t mean that I’ve simplified personal finance to the level that could be understood by a typical grade 1 learner, but rather my blog actually turned 6 years old now.

And due to my metronomic consistency in getting a blog post out at exactly sometime during the first two weeks of every month, maybe, and my cunning linguistic mastery of the English language, I’ve actually generated a following of at least 9 readers. It’s gotten so popular that nearly every month my wife has a client who mentions they’ve read my blog. Sometimes she hears from a suffering wife about her husband who has a bro-crush, to which I apologise profusely.

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Investing PROPERLY offshore in 3 easy steps

I want to live overseas at some point in my future, so I’m working my way towards earning a foreign passport. Now there are a number of ways to get those handy little visa exemption books. One way is to sell six of your kidneys and buy a mansion in Cyprus.

Fortunately I married a stunningly beautiful Portuguese woman, and the Portuguese people are extremely finely and welcoming of foreigners, so that means that all I have to do to get a great passport is to become fluent in Portuguese and get some documents from home affairs sorted out.

And that’s made me wish I had 7 kidneys, because I think trading 6 of them for a passport would be far less painful than what I’ve had to do. And I’m not talking about my attempts at studying Portuguese, because it’s rather easy adding a sshhh to the end of every second word, but let me tell you what isn’t easy…

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How to retire WELL as a couple on just R16 667 a month

Time for the third installment of the retire cheaper overseas series. In the first, we managed to find a few pieces of paradise where just R10 000 a month would be comfortable for a couple. That meant retirement was possible after saving just R1.5 million per person. In that round I really liked Havana in Cuba, but my wife had other ideas, so it went with Bitola in Macedonia, where you could live a happy, interesting and safe existence on just R5 000 each. After that we upped the budget a little by working a little longer until each person reached R2 million, or R4 million for the couple. That opened up quite a few more doors, with the Turkish Riviera winning comfortably for the wife and I, as well as all the readers who voted. We’d be happy living on just R11 837, well under the R13 333 a month budget.

And that brings us here. Our savings have increased by 25% all the way to R5 million or R2.5 million each. That’s a great effort, and as your reward, there are now over 100 different options for places where a couple of humans willing to share a bed could live quite comfortably on R16 667.

So instead of spending the extra R3 333 on a weekend cocaine binge, let’s see which cities the extra money opens up to our future life.

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How to reach R10 million saving just R5000 a month

Dear Patrick,

You’re a big fat liar and you dress funny. Financial independence is a joke, and compound interest is as useless as JZ’s legal team. I’m just basically putting my own money into the market and seeing practically nothing happen. There’s no way in hell I’ll ever have enough to retire, this whole website is a scam being pulled onto us normal peeps by you one-percenters. You can’t really believe any of this rubbish you put up here every month, are you insane?

Goodbye,
Great Disbeliever

If I had a Rand for every time someone called me a funny dressing liar I’d be rich. It’s true, but only because I’m already rich thanks to spending less than I earn and investing the rest. Sadly it’s also true that I’ve been told I’m not the snappiest dresser around. Fairly often. I married her anyway.

So if you’re feeling a little like G-Dis above and getting rather demotivated you’re going to like this blog post. Time for a story.

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